


I Finally Know Where My Heart Is

by khazrn43



Category: Finchel - Fandom, Glee
Genre: Conspiracy Theories, F/M, Glee AU, Government Conspiracy, Gun Violence, Jealousy, Romance, Smut, Violence, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 21:16:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13198716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khazrn43/pseuds/khazrn43
Summary: Summary: Following Basic Training, Finn visits Rachel in NYC. Is Finn in more danger in the Army or NYC? Dashes of Santana and Kurt thrown into the mix for my amusement. Begins at Season 3 Finale and moves forward.





	1. I Finally Know Where My Heart is.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I Finally Know Where My Heart Is](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/347529) by  VioletBeauregarde. 



> Honor their tether! Remember our Drummer!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was given permission to complete this story on Fanfiction.net by the original author VioletBeauregaurde

 

**I Finally Know Where My Heart Is**

His face... as he stopped running and watched my train retreat into the distance with me on it... I would never forget the expression on his face if I lived to be 100 and won a dozen Tonys. The love, the pain, the longing. It was like in the book, _Jane Eyre._ Mr. Rochester described having a string attached to his heart with the corresponding end attached to Jane's heart. Rochester said he had a notion that if they were separated, that string would snap, and he would take to bleeding inwardly. I could feel the string attaching me to Finn tightly bound to my heart, and the pain was indescribable. I prayed I was strong enough, that ** _it_**  was strong enough to stretch taut all the way to 110 E. 57th St. in NYC and not break.

Ironically, there was a production of  _Jane Eyre_  on Broadway, but I couldn't even summon my usual enthusiasm to imagine seeing it, let alone reading for a part in it. I just kept seeing Finn, the valiant, strong man who was giving me everything by letting me leave him behind. He'd put a brave face on until the very end, when I almost couldn't see his expression at such a distance. I think I must have  _felt_  rather than seen his pain. It seemed to be vibrating down that damn string. I knew my pain must be echoing back to him as well. This, being here on a train eventually bound for New York, was what I had wanted for as long as I could remember, so why did it have to hurt SO much?

The train was picking up speed, leaving everything, _everyone_  to me, behind. Instead of watching the flat gray landscape pass by the window, I lost myself in the memories of last night in Finn's room as he held me, had been so supportive, so positive that it would all work out.

_"Well, I checked the Greyhound schedules online, and there are dozens of buses to the city every week," he looked down at me, wiped tears from my cheeks and gave me a crooked half smile. I kissed the corner of his mouth that turned down in only the way his did. I tried to meet his eyes and smile, but I felt my tight smile slip into a grimace as fresh tears escaped the corners of my eyes._

_"And you have the new phone your dads gave you for graduation, so we can even use Facetime if you are at a place with wifi," at this he lowered his chin and studied me under his dark brows, "Rach, you were meant to do this, you_ **_have to_ ** _do this. You've had this dream of New York for most of your life. I could never forgive myself if I held you back or... Besides this isn't the end. We'll get through this, and I know we'll be stronger for this. I know we won't see each other as much but..."_

_"Finn," I sobbed, "Even though we haven't always been a couple, I haven't gone more that a couple of days without seeing you or talking to you for three years, to say nothing of touching you or kissing you... or ...or loving you," I looked down at our hands now entwined and took a shaky breath before continuing, "Remember the laryngitis when we thought I might never sing again? I told you I was nothing without my voice, and I needed applause to live? I decided a long time ago there was something I needed much much more...," I looked up into his eyes, "...you. Always, you. I know we are young, but you are my-my... I can't even find the words- there aren't words for what you are to me. The way you make me feel is like when I'm standing on stage singing a solo and killing it, but it's so much better than that because I know you feel the same."_

_His expression had softened at this. He leaned down to press his open lips to mine in a soft kiss. Our lips seemed to cling to each others as if they did not want to separate. I suddenly felt desperate to be as close as possible, to fuse our bodies together and ward off the dread of impending separation._

_Finally, he drew back his head and looked at me, his breath coming in little pants, "Rachel, I...promise...no," he shook his head in frustration. One of the endearing things about Finn was his struggle to find his words when he was emotional. He looked directly into my eyes, "I will_ **_always_ ** _love you no matter where you are, who you are with or what you are doing. No need for me to promise, because that's just how it is and always will be." I could see tears in his eyes now, "...because I am right here." He reached out to place his hand on the left side of my chest over my heart. He grinned his boyish grin, "See, I finally know where my heart is. It is right here," gently pressing his palm into my chest for emphasis._

Now, on the train, I pressed my small hand where his large hand had been hours before. A sparkle like starlight caught my eye. The sun outside the train window had escaped the clouds and was glinting off the diamond in my ring, the ring Finn had given me with the promise that if I let him love me, it would be okay. Suddenly, I knew it would be, because he let me love him, too. I was Rachel Berry, and I was the luckiest girl in the world because Finn Hudson let me love him. He believed in me... in us, enough to let me go on my own for a while. I could do this. Leaving him had been the hard part, the rest was easy, because I knew where my heart was. At this moment it was in Lima, Ohio in a wonderful giant of a man that would someday bring it back to me no matter what...

_Now, back to my happy place where Finn and Rachel eventually marry, are wildly happy, and have all their dreams fulfilled (including Tonys and babies at 26)._

_Thanks for reading!_

 

 


	2. I Still Know You

***Chapter 2*: I Still Know You**

******Takes place 3 months after Season 3's "Goodbye" Episode******

 

_After watching the "Goodbye" Episode, I just had to continue with my earlier vignette "I Finally Know Where My Heart Is"_

_Notes: La Guardia Airport is one of the airports that serve New York City. ACU stands for Army Combat Uniform and is a type of uniform soldiers wear in the military that looks like army fatigues._

_As always, I own nothing but my own mistakes for which I beg pardon..._

 

**I Still Know You**

**_Was that him?_**  He looked so much older- maybe it was the tan on his typically fair skin. Yes, and his hair was a lot shorter in the standard military hair cut, but really, he was like a different person. It was disconcerting. The ACU-clad man, striding towards me through the throngs of people in the baggage claim area at La Guardia Airport, was some strange version of the boy I had loved for more than three years. He did have on his trade-mark, radiantly crooked smile, which I forced every acting skill I had to reciprocate. It was either that or burst into tears.

"Finn!" I squealed, as I stepped around an adorable Armenian family to meet him near baggage claim carousel number 4, where his fellow passengers from Atlanta, Georgia were awaiting their bags. There was a slight pause before I wrapped my arms around him with all the pent up fierceness I was feeling.

 _This-_  this was Finn. He really was almost the same when he held me. He smelled a little different. Less like the Tide laundry detergent his mom had always used, yet still the spicy, soothing cinnamon scent that was exclusively Finn. He felt leaner somehow, which was to be expected after six weeks of basic training behind him.

The same hazel eyes glinted down at me as I tilted my face up to his, awaiting a kiss of greeting. I was startled when his long arms tightened around me, and his mouth found mine with a passion that would have embarrassed me if we had still been in our hometown of Lima, Ohio. Distilled in that kiss was three months of longing and desire and other things that I really did not want to catalog at that particular moment. Oh, this was ….heavenly... this was …so...Finn.

He drew back slightly, though his arms still held me firmly, "Hey," he murmured huskily, sending a shiver down my spine, "I'm so glad you could meet me, Rach," again with the slanted grin that was so him.

"Well, of course, how could I resist meeting my...er... the dashing war hero," I joked a little too stridently, "Well, at least I don't have to bug you about styling products for your hair anymore," I teased as I reached up and ruffled the short fuzz on his head. It felt strange, but soft- like thick velvet in my fingers.

He chuckled, "It does make my morning routine a lot easier, which is the point, I guess. Thank you, Uncle Sam."

My smile faltered a little, and he seemed to strive not to notice. "Well... so do you have any bags we need to wait on," I gestured towards the steel baggage carousel.

"No, I've got it all here in my kit," he hefted an olive duffel bag that I hadn't noticed before in his left hand.

"Great! Let's go grab a cab back into Manhattan then," I chirped, taking his other hand and leading him toward the nearby taxi stand. "Unless, you're really hungry. We could get something here..."

"I'm good for now. I had like 4 bags of peanuts on the plane," he replied, "The flight attendant's son is in the Navy, so she sort of adopted me. She even gave me some of those little bottles of liquor they have in first class."

Ah, so I wasn't the only one who thought he looked older, and maybe _that_  was why he seemed so glad to see me. I smiled at him brightly as we stepped into the cab. I instructed the driver where to take us while Finn settled in next to me. As was customary with NYC cabs, we were jettisoned into traffic at break-neck speed. The motion jostled me practically into Finn's lap. Finn graced me with one of his sideways glances and a grin and put his arm behind my sholders. I just had to smile back, turning on the slippery vinyl seat to face him. I suddenly felt so shy and awkward, so unlike the Rachel Berry I normally was around Finn. Almost like in the beginning, before we were friends.

After what appeared to be a moment of thought, he shifted and raised his large palm to place it on the left side of my chest over my heart, "I still know you. How is my heart? Have you been keeping it safe for me?"

At that I emitted what could only be described as a laugh with a sob at the end.

 

_Now if I could only find the shreds of my own heart. Sigh. I'm feeling dramatic, can you tell? Should I continue?_

_Thanks for reading!_

 


	3. I Feel Your Heart Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with another reworked chapter. The notes are from the original author.  
> Notes: A bit of AU: In this story, Finn joins the army after Rachel is in New York. In my first chapter, I was still kind of hoping for a miracle, and Finn would have moved to NYC to join Rachel later. Apparently no such luck.  
> Also, I have been to NYC several times as a guest, but I am no native. Please forgive and try to ignore my goofs in geography, culture, typos, missing comas, slightly naughty language, etc.  
> Recap: Finn asked Rachel how her/his heart was doing at the end of the last chapter  
> Honor their Tether! Remember our Drummer!

**I Feel Your Heart Burn**

**_NO! I would not do this!_** I told myself this over and over sternly and silently, as I alternately gasped for breaths and pressed my lips together firmly. I would _not_  break down like this with the cab driver staring at me nervously from his review mirror.

Finn was looking at me with alarm, frankly.  _How could he say something like that and not expect me to react?_  He seemed to snap out of it, as he moved his hand to my cheek, "Hey," he whispered, looking into my eyes, "It was a joke... like not a very good joke, but I didn't mean to make you cry."

"Oh, you are so...so... **Finn** ," I huffed in exasperation. I looked back at him. He seemed so unsure, so worried, and actually kind of scared. I had to tamp down my anger, for the moment anyway, because I couldn't bear the fear I saw radiating from those whiskey colored eyes, I still loved so much. I put my hand over his on my cheek and moved it back to my heart where it had been.

"Your heart hurts, but it still ** _loves_**  as much as it ever did," I swallowed and pressed his calloused hand more firmly to me, "It is a little fragile at the moment, though, so you have to understand.” I was really trying to ignore the staring cabby. Why, oh why, couldn't we have gotten a cab with one of the solid plexiglass partitions?

"Finn,"I softened my voice,  _screw him_ \- the cabbie, not Finn, "When you left Lima like that, without really giving me a say in whether you joined the army or not...You had the best possible intentions for what you did, I know, but really- it **_hurt_**  this heart so much.”punctuating my statement by squeezing his hand on my chest, "In fact I think it may still be a little broken. Maybe more than a little," I admitted this hesitantly, looking up at him.

He sighed deeply and shut his eyes as a look of pain crossed his face, "Rachel, you must know, like I told you when you would finally take my calls again... By the way, Santana is still a crazy bitch... just saying," I laughed weakly at his reference to my now (shocker) roommate.

Surprisingly, Santana had called me in New York within a week of my arrival, and suggested we room together, saying something like: better the devil you know than the one you don't. Her satanic reference had not been lost on me, especially when she had taken to answering my phone when Finn called and cussing a blue streak in Spanish. I had come to love the crazy and the bitch that was Satan...errr... Santana, but I couldn't dispute what he said.

"Anyway, like I said when you finally answered your phone instead of Santana," Finn continued, "I know you were hurt, but you have to understand what it was like for me. I was sitting there in Lima, the Lima loser I had always dreaded being, and worse, I was in danger of dragging you down with me. My dad never had the chance to break out of that … I didn't want to be _that_  man. He walked out on his wife and kid... He left us, Rachel!" he spat the last part out vehemently.

"Finn," I replied gently, "After the Gulf War, he was sick, he needed help, and he couldn't get it. I would never let that happen to you. You had other options besides the army.  .“

"You don't think Mom tried to help him?" he shot back bitterly, eyes flashing.

“I guess what hurts the most is you didn’t even bother to talk to me, your fiancé, about what you were going through.  I had no idea you were so lost. You made it seem like everything was fine. I think I understand, you didn’t want to distract me, but Finn, we are a team. You hurt, I hurt.”

Suddenly, we were both brought back to the present by the sharp jolt of our cab, as our cab driver swerved mightily to miss a nearby bicycle messenger. Probably too riveted by our drama to be paying much attention to his driving. You knew you really were in a bad way, when a New York cab driver was interested in your backseat dramatics. They had usually seen it all, been there done that, and just wanted to get to the next fare.

The rest of the ride was completed mostly in silence with each of us staring out of our respective windows watching New York go by. Nobody's hand was on anybody's heart; we were both miserable. By the time we reached our destination, my 8 story walk-up apartment building in the Lower East Side, my heart had gone from burning with frustration to icy cold with sadness.

"This is us," I said with forced cheer while paying the cab driver, who I sincerely hoped to **_never_**  see again, "We were so lucky my dad's cousin knew someone in the neighborhood. The apartment's tiny, but it's great we are on the island and don't have to take the train into the city everyday."

I saw Finn wince when I said "we." Was he imagining that he could have been the "we" I meant, but it was Santana instead? This thought really did bring tears to my eyes. Land mines everywhere.

I started to walk towards the narrow doorway leading to the steps of my apartment, when Finn stopped me by gently wrapping his fingers around my wrist.  _"I'd forgotten how long his fingers are,"_  thinking to myself as my pulse thrummed under said fingers. Taking a deep breath and hoping he wouldn't notice how fast my heart was racing, I turned to him questioningly.

"Rach, I know this is so hard. Ah, hell," he shifted his duffle onto his shoulder and ran his hand through what was left of his hair. That old nervous habit of his had the threatening tears running down my cheeks.

"I know I don't deserve for you to forgive me. I certainly don't deserve for you to love me, but my heart ...it...it  _burns_  for you. Some nights I lay in my bunk when everyone else is asleep, and I just want you so much, and not in a sex kind of way. Well, not  _always_  in a sex kind of way. I just want to hold you and have you there with me, so I can tell you stuff like about the mean-assed drill sergeant or the crazy guy in the next bunk, or that I just don't know if I can go another day without you."

I took a step toward the big, tall, strapping soldier standing on the sidewalk in his camo uniform, who had tears in his eyes. There was the Finn I probably loved the most of all: the sensitive Finn... heart in his eyes vulnerable Finn. At that moment my heart burned, too, and I forgave him everything. I was still mad, but I loved him too much to not forgive him.

Reviews are happiness. 

I changed just a smidgen.  Added some dialogue to clarify why Rachel was mad.  Because in the beginning of this story, it was established they were together. Made the decision to stay together but her going to NYC and him in Lima.  But while Rachel was in NYC,  Finn was lost and joined the Army with talking to her or telling her.   He just left Lima.  That is why she’s mad and wouldn’t answer his calls_. Hope that helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original AN: Okay, I may have gone overboard with the heart references, but Finchel is a couple with so much heart, I couldn't resist.  
> Always, always thanks for reading!


	4. I Will Look for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Notes:This is a quiet little chapter. Just how it worked out.  
> In the last chapter, Finn asked Rachel for forgiveness. She did forgive him, but now she needs to show him.

**I Will Look for You**

Forgiving Finn had always been so easy. What came after had always been the hard part, but I was Rachel Berry, current NYADA student, someday award-winning Broadway actress. Time to put some of my new workshop skills into practice. I tried to think of the best way to convey my feelings. And there were so many feelings:  _jitteriness_ \- like it was my first day at NYADA all over again; _regret_ \- that Finn and I had been broken; _fear_ \- that we couldn't fix it; _love_ , there was always love, and most importantly  ** _hope_**. Any man who could look at me the way Finn was at this moment was well worth the effort. We'd been broken before, and somehow pulled the pieces back together. Ironically, we had been in New York then, too. Sometimes, I still relived that on-stage kiss at Nationals. It was the first time in my life that I had completely forgotten about the audience staring up at me, waiting for me to showcase my talents. On that stage at nationals there had only been Finn and that kiss.

I puzzled all this out, standing on the sidewalk in front of my building with Finn, as dozens of people swirled around us going about their lives. Finn shifted his booted feet a little restlessly, but he did not look away, not once. There was so much I wanted to say-  _better to show him_. I felt a smile spread across my face, "Come with me, are you ready?"

He nodded, seeming a little confused at my abrupt change in topic. He followed me to my building as I took my keys from my coat pocket and unlocked the small, black door. I turned and took his hand, at the same time grasping the ancient brass handle to open the door and bring him into the dim, dingy lobby. We walked past the broken elevator that hadn't worked since before the first George Bush had been president (and even then only occasionally) and passed through a crumbling archway to the seemingly endless stairwell that led to the apartments above. Moving in had been a grueling test of endurance for me- eight flights of steep steps up to my new apartment. Though at the moment, we weren't going to my apartment. I needed to show him something first.

About five flights up, I paused, glancing back at Finn, who was still carrying his duffel— _oops, I'd forgotten about that._  I needn't have been concerned, he wasn't even breathing hard. He grinned, watching me catch my breath, "Guess all that PT they make us do is paying off."

"It would seem so," I replied dryly as we continued on our way up to the tenth floor. I pushed open a battered steel door that led out onto the roof of the building. It was like many other rooftops in the city, covered with black asphalt interspersed with odd shaped vents and duct work snaking over its surface. I had discovered the roof my first night in my new home, when despite my exhaustion, I had suddenly felt the urge to climb, to see the sky again. Most people don't realize how little of the sky one can see in sky-scraper-dense Manhattan. It was one of the things I missed most about Lima, open sky.

On this rooftop, surrounded by many other rooftops and taller buildings, you could still see a chunk of the sky overhead. The traffic noises below combined to create a sort of soothing hum. It was dusk, so everything was bathed in a dim golden light interspersed with looming shadows from the other surrounding buildings. Finn walked with me as I made my way between the vents and ducts to my favorite corner. We stood looking over the edge of the roof. My voice seemed loud when I spoke, breaking the relative silence, "I come here a lot, though we're really not supposed to. If you look down Grand Street you can see a little bit of the East River when the air is clear. See, just there," I leaned into Finn and shifted our bodies to point out the tiny sliver of deep blue in the distance.

Finn's eyes were glancing around, taking it all in. "Now I can picture you here when I'm not with you," he mused softly.

A wave of sadness seemed to wash over us both, of the  _what-could-have-beens_. I shook myself, "What I wanted to show you," I pointed directly up.

As Finn looked up, his upturned profile was outlined against the dimming sky, highlighting his cheekbones and long lashes. He really was remarkably handsome, even more so now. I mentally snapped a photograph for a later time. A memory to hold close on the cold nights when I sat here alone.

"Here is where I come to look for you when it's dark, or as dark as it ever gets in the city with all the lights," I said.

"What do you mean 'look for me'?"

"I can very rarely see any stars, but I know they are there... I know that the star you gave me is there..." with a sigh I continued, "...and somehow I feel closer to you. Even after you left Lima to join the army, and I was so hurt I wouldn't speak to you, and Santana would call you all manner of nasty names in Spanish... I came up here to remember you, while I looked for you... My star named Finn, who promised to always be looking down at me. Besides your love, that star is the best gift anyone has ever given me."

Glancing up at him, I saw a familiar look on his face. His lips were pressed together in a small grimace and his eyes were a little squinty with a crease between them. I had seen this look sometimes when I sang to him. It told me he was feeling things that he couldn't say or didn't know how to say, but they were profound things, loving things just the same.

When he finally spoke, his voice had a raspy edge to it, "Can we come up here together when it's dark? I want to be here just once when you look for me."

"I would love that," I replied a little thickly, "because I think... **I know.**.. I will  **always**  look for you."

I stood on my tiptoes, and pressed myself against him placing my lips on his for a soft kiss. A kiss of forgiveness, a kiss of hope that what had been broken was mending.


	5. I Will Wait for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Chapter 5*:   
> Original Authors note:  
> Big thanks to all who have reviewed, favorited, and alerted (especially Amybf19). You inspire me!  
> Notes:  
> Stay Puff is a brand of marshmallows, as in the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man from the movie Ghostbusters 2.  
> Gomer Pyle is a 1960's American TV character known as a goofy, dimwitted soldier.  
> Also, I hope Santana doesn't offend anyone, but you know how she is.  
> Last chapter recap: Finn and Rachel have a touching moment on the roof of her apartment building, moving towards rebuilding their relationship.  
> *****Honor their Tether! Remember our Drummer!*****

**I Will Wait for You**

* * *

 

"Maybe we could have like a picnic on the roof or something," Finn suggested as we were treading down the steps to my apartment, "Kind of like our first date. Only I promise not to run off this time."

"What a romantic idea, Finn," I was a little giddy that he would think of such a thing, "And a good idea since we don't really have a kitchen table yet. We've been using an old coffee table Santana's parents had and eating sitting on the couch. Really we're not sure there is room for a table anyway."

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that, "I continued, "The apartment is really tiny, but we've tried to make it homey. We were lucky it had two bedrooms- well more like walk-in closets. I think my room may actually have been used as a closet at one time given there were coat hooks on the walls. Anyway," _Rambling on_ , "I hope you won't be uncomfortable because it's so small."

"Rachel, I have been living in room full of guys with my bunk as my only personal space, and Drill Sgt. Gramble would say that's even too good for the likes of me. He certainly doesn't have a problem leaning within two inches of a guy's face and yelling at the top of his lungs, if that guy doesn't get up fast enough for him at 0430 hours."

"Oh, Finn," I turned around and grabbed his hands, "That's awful. I knew you were in a bunk room, but I didn't know they yelled at you. I mean I know the army is supposed to be all tough and all, but they should still treat you with simple human kindness."

Finn looked amused and actually a little embarrassed, "Rach, it's not the boy scouts, that's for sure. And I won't lie to you and say it's all sexy like  _Call of Duty,_  where I'm leaping out of helicopters blasting the bad guys and stuff. _(I mentally shivered at the thought!)_  It's kind of like a super, super, intense practice, like for football or something, but with weapons and jeeps, and it  ** _never_**  ends." At the last comment, a look of extreme fatigue crossed his still-boyish features, making him look years older.

"I've been thoughtless, you must be tired," I replied. By this time we had arrived at my apartment door, where I pulled out my keys and unlocked the three locks we had for security, "Let's get you settled. I have some of that sports drink you used to like, or we could run out and get something..."

We stepped into my apartment, which could best be described as a smallish room containing a combination kitchen and living area with 2 practically microscopic bedrooms and an antiquated bath room lining one side. Santana glanced up from the kitchenette, where she was apparently making a sandwich.

"Well, hellooo, Sgt. Stay Puff," Santana eyed Finn from head to foot with her characteristic scowl, "Though it looks like some girl scout left you over the campfire too long. Toasty. _(Yep- She noticed Finn's tan, too.)_  Guess it's time for a new name. Hmmm..."

"Santana, remember what we talked about," I said in playful warning, as she pondered her options, "Retract the claws."

Santana let out a very put upon sigh, "But it's so easy. Though..." Santana swaggered across the room to stand directly in front of Finn, "Let me just remind you,  **Gomer Pyle** , of my upbringing. We girls from Lima Heights look after our own, and since I'm living with Berry here, she falls in that category. You pull anything else like this  ** _'Surprise! I'm joining the army!'_**  crap on my home girl, let's just say, I have friends who can make even your dog tags disappear.  _Comprende?_ "

Finn's eyes got a little bigger at this, "Uh, Santana, could you like ….not say things like that when you're holding a knife?"

Santana looked down at the knife she had been using to slice tomatoes and grinned evilly. Pointing it at Finn's chest, "Sleep with one eye open, Fuzz-head."

 _Fuzz-head- honestly?_  She was slipping, though that was practically an endearment coming from her. "O-o-kay..." I stammered, moving to put my arm around Finn's waist protectively, which was kind of comical given Santana was holding sharp cutlery, and Finn towered over us both by at least a foot.  _I'm not sure who'd I'd bet against in that fight, though._

"Actually, Santana," Finn looked her straight in the eye, like he would a snake _(respectfully!)_ , "It was really cool of you to be there for Rach when I errr..."

"...Were a complete and total butt-munch, joining the army without even talking to her first," Santana interrupted, " **Hello, big life decision here**.  **Should consult the girl-you-plan-to-marry about it.**  And now I have serious concerns about the intelligence and preparedness of our military. Are they going to start drafting 12 year-olds next? Or maybe they plan to have you fall on the enemy combatants repeatedly?"

Finn was remarkably unperturbed by Santana's rant. "Anyway, thanks, I will always be grateful to you for having Rachel's back. Also, I think she's a lot safer with you here in the city with her."

Santana snorted. "No kidding, they don't sell pepper spray at Gymboree or the Audrey Hepburn section of Macy's or wherever the hell it is she gets her clothes."

 _I'm not six! They think I can't take care of myself?_  "I'll have you know I've signed up for a self-defense class, and I have pepper spray  _(True, Santana bought it for me.)_ , and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Finn and Santana exchanged a look between them and burst out laughing. "Chica, you look like an enraged Disney princess doll," Santana said as she ruffled my bangs playfully.

Moving to wrap up her sandwich in plastic, Santana ambled over and put it in her bag by the door, "Got to run. I'm catching the 9:10 to New Haven to see Quinn, remember. Oh, and if Britt calls your phone, remind her I found mine, so she can call me. Thanks, Rach."

Looking at Finn with a smirk Santana quipped, "I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do but... well, that ship has sailed hasn't it? At least I won't be here for the train wreck that is Finchel make-up sex. Ughh..." She was out the door before Finn or I could summon a retort.

I moved my eyes from where Santana had just exited back to Finn, "Well, that went better than I expected. I think she's already on her way to forgiving you."

"How can you tell? And did she just call you  _Rach_? I feel like I should go look outside and see if there's an eclipse or something.” Finn replied in wonder.

I laughed at that. "Santana really is a good egg. Maybe a little hard boiled, but definitely a good egg."

Finn walked to me and put his hands at my waist, "I think you may be right. So when do I get a tour of your shoebox?"

"Well, this is the living room and kitchen, as you see," then turning us around to face the wall with three doors, "And first door on the right is Santana's room, middle door is the bathroom, which, by the way, don't turn on any other water while someone is in the shower, unless you want them boiled alive. And this..," I continued walking to the door on the far left, "...is my room."

My jitteriness had returned full force. Rather than butterflies in my stomach, it felt like full fledged bats or something. "Umm...Finn about sleeping arrangements..." I was blushing madly, "I really want to be with you, but could we umm...kind of take it slow and maybe just, I don't know..." I swallowed hard "...  ** _wait_** a bit before we're uh... intimate again?"

What was I saying? I knew for a fact that neither of us had had sex in more than three months, since we'd last been together. I was surprised I hadn't pushed him into my room and had my way with him already, because part of me  ** _really_** wanted that. But my heart was, like I said earlier, still a little broken from the whole  _you-didn't-tell-me-before-you-joined-the-army_  thing.

Finn raised his hands to cup my face, his thumbs brushing over my cheeks. He tilted my head up, so my eyes would meet his, "Hey, Rach," he whispered, lowering his head to gently brush his lips across mine, "I will always wait for you."

 


	6. I Will

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Chapter 6*:  
> Original AN:  
> Notes:  
> The Pentagon is located in Virginia just outside of Washington, DC. It is the national headquarters for US Department of Defense (DOD). Among other things, it's a huge office building, full of top ranking military staff. It really is shaped like a pentagon and is an interesting place to drive by if you are ever in the area.  
> Warning-This is an expositional chapter, in which some plot stuff is explained, so it may be a little dry. Hope we can all press through together.  
> Last chapter recap - Santana has left the building (Ha-ha). Rachel and Finn agree to ehhrm... wait (just a little) to be intimate again.  
> I’m back with a revised chapter. I’m trying not to get to ahead of myself. I’m still writing Medal of Honor. Enjoy  
> Honor their Tether! Remember Our Drummer!

**I Will...**

* * *

 

It was 2:30 in the morning. I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep. Knees drawn up to my chest, I sat in the old, overstuffed chair that barely fit by the window in my closet-sized bedroom. The street light filtered through the curtains, softly illuminating Finn, whose long legs made his feet hang over the end of my bed. He was so still, his only movement, the slow rise and fall of his chest. He hadn't stirred when I finally gave up on sleep and got up to sit in the chair fifteen minutes ago. Thoughts were revolving in my mind in an endless loop. ** _Three days, I had 3 days, and then Finn would be gone again._**  It took everything I had not to take the two steps to my bed where Finn slept and wake him up. But he had been exhausted, so we had opted for a quiet night in, with leftovers for dinner and a lot of catching up on what had been going on in our lives. He had eventually fallen asleep on my bed while I was showering, and I hadn't had the heart to wake him. I'd simply snuggled next to him and dozed for a bit. Now, wide awake, I played our conversation from several hours ago over again for the thousandth time.

_My Apartment Several Hours Earlier:_

"I hope you like this tofu, veggie lasagna. I made it yesterday from a new recipe. Santana says it's quote 'better than most of the bunny crap' I eat, but, I know you've never been fond of my meatless dishes. I could make you a sandwich. I think Santana has some turkey slices."

"Huff!” Finn let out a small laugh and walked over to join me in the kitchen, "...and have her carve me up with a knife while I sleep. No, thanks. Whatever you want to serve is fine with me.Rach, The food at Fort Benning sucks, so even tofu lasagna should taste good. Can I umm..help?"

 _His mother really has raised him well._ I thought, watching him, as he eyed the congealed mass of lasagna with suspicion.

"I think I've got it, but thanks. Have a seat and talk to me while I finish up.” I gestured to the wooden stool next to the counter.

"So have you heard what happens next now that Basic Training is over?" I asked, trying to appear casual as I sliced lasagna to heat in the microwave.

"I'm going on to AIT, Advanced Individual Training. I requested placement somewhere along the east coast, but I have to go where they tell me."

"So they could send you to ….Afghanistan or someplace like that?” I couldn't hide the shaking in my voice, "You have no say?"

"Not much, but AIT is almost always on bases in the US. I have some skills with engines and cars and stuff from working at Burt's shop, so that makes me more valuable than a lot of new recruits, according to my CO. We're looking into programs that would help me build on that. I've taken tons of skills tests and personality tests since I joined up. I thought my test taking days were over.” he said ruefully, "The army had other plans."

I walked over to stand in front of him where he was perched on the kitchen stool, placing myself between his splayed knees. I put my left hand on his thigh above his knee, and I felt him tense a little, as a flash of desire shot through us both. Trying to ignore the heat curling in my belly, I said "Well... you know what I think. Your dad would be so proud of you, Finn, and I know your mom is, as well as me.”

"Yeah- when she's not freaking out about  ** _'her baby'_**  being in the military.” he responded dryly. "I hope my dad would be proud. I mean, I never knew him, but hopefully I'm setting things right. I haven't had any luck so far finding out about his time in the Middle East during the Gulf War. They keep telling me that his records would take a really high level security clearance to get, like they're top secret or something. Makes me wonder what really happened..." Finn trailed off, his expression thoughtful. “Actually, turns out Burt is going to be a big help with that, being a Congressman and all. He's already trying to set up meetings with some generals at the Pentagon or something."

I didn't really know much about the Pentagon, and I guess it showed on my face.

"The Pentagon is near Washington, D.C. It's kind of like the headquarters for the whole military.” Finn explained, "I'm hoping I can get some top brass to look at my dad's case, I can get his dishonorable discharge checked into or maybe even overturned."

"That's wonderful, Finn!"

Finn placed his fingers over my hand that had been rubbing circles on his lower thigh, "Rach, that's...umm... really...distracting."

"Oh- sorry.” I moved to take my hand away, but he stopped me by flexing his fingers over mine, his thumb brushing over my engagement ring, "I felt so selfish today, in the airport, when I saw this." He looked down at the ring on my hand, "I wasn't sure you'd still be wearing it. You have every right to take it off and not wear it anymore..." His voice seemed to fade at the last, as if he was afraid of what he was saying.

"Finn! Why would I not wear it?" I suddenly felt a little dizzy, as a thought occurred to me, "That is... do you think I should stop wearing it? Because I've never stopped..." My turn to have my sentence trail off. This was hard.

"That's why I felt selfish Rachel, because I was so glad when I saw it. Much more than glad actually. But I have no right to expect you to keep your promise to me now that I have- joined the army. When I first decided to join up, I thought I could let you go. You know, for your own good. Give you the chance you deserve to have a better life without me...at least for a while."

"Stop right there!" I interrupted angrily.  _Oh, how I wanted to shake him!_  "There is NO ** _life_**  without you. There is no better life, so you can stop that thinking right now."

”That's it don't you see? I couldn't go through with it. I was trying to be all noble and stuff.v I just couldn't stay away.I'm not strong enough to let you go.I thought I was, but I'm not." He laughed bitterly.

At this I shuffled myself closer to him as he shifted on the stool so we were eye to eye. "You are one of the strongest men I know Finn Hudson. I knew that the day we parted before I got on that train to New York.I knew you didn’t want to let me leave without you. I also knew you thought you couldn’t come with me.Things didn't work out like we hoped exactly, but can't we be stronger together? For each other? I will NOT give up on us!"  _I was Rachel Barbra Berry, damnit! Nothing was going to keep me from my dreams. And Finn Hudson, my future husband and someday father of my children. He was huge part of those dreams._

_Back in my bedroom around 3 am:_

So I'd seemingly quelled Finn's worries about me, but what about my worries about him?As I sat in the 3 am dimness of my room watching Finn sprawled adorably on my bed with his mouth hanging open, I realized that I needed to hear him say that he wanted us to continue our engagement.I had been so busy convincing him that I wanted us to that I hadn't really heard what he wanted. He had as good as said that he had intended to break up with me. But his kind, gentle heart wouldn't let him. Maybe he was just afraid of hurting me. One of the wonderful things about Finn was how he put others before himself. As usual I had been so caught up in my own feelings that I may have missed what he wanted.

Gnawing on my lip I made a decision then and there. Of course, I wanted Finn for the rest of my life, and I thought Finn felt the same. It was time to let him tell me what he wanted.Now I just had to wait for him to wake up to do that...

_Later:_

I must have nodded off because next I knew- Finn was crouching in the darkness in front of me clad in his army green boxers and t-shirt. "Rach, babe... what's wrong? Why'd you get out of bed?I knew you crawled in with me at some point. Sorry I fell asleep earlier.Is everything okay?"

"Couldn't sleep...but must've dozed off.” I replied groggily. "Wasn't sure you still wanted to marry me."  _(Suddenly, I was much more alert.Did I just say that out loud? I hadn't meant to be so abrupt.)_

" ** _What?_** " he looked startled and very hurt. "How could you think that? After all we've talked about..." He took my hands and gently pulled me over to the bed where we got in. Wrapping his long arms around me he held me as though we were spoons in a drawer his front to my back. We both sighed deeply. "Rach, more than anything I want to be here like this every night for the rest of my life, holding you while you sleep. I'm just not sure it's the fair thing, the right thing to do for you, since now I can't be here all the time."

"Don't I get a say in what's right for me?" I responded back to wanting to shake him again, "So you do still want to marry me... someday." I was glad it was still dark; I was blushing furiously.

"Rach there's a song that my mom used to play for me when I was a kid that I've been listening to on my iPod a lot lately.Like when I'm laying in my bunk not sleeping because I miss you so much. It'll be rough, but would you like to hear it? Would you like me to sing you a lullaby to help you sleep?"

"I'd love a lullaby, Finn." At this he tightened his arms around me and kissed my temple putting his head next to mine.

As Finn began to sing into the darkness around us I could _feel_  my lullaby vibrating through his chest and into my back:

_("I Will" by the Beatles)_

_Who knows how long I've loved you?_  
_You know I love you still_  
_Will I wait a lonely lifetime_  
_If you want me to, I will._

 _For if I ever saw you_  
_I didn't catch your name_  
_But it never really mattered_  
_I will always feel the same._

 _Love you forever and forever_  
_Love you with all my heart_  
_Love you whenever we're together_  
_Love you when we're apart._

 _And when at last I find you_  
**_Your song will fill the air_**  
**_Sing it loud so I can hear you_**  
_Make it easy to be near you_  
_For the things you do endear you to me_  
_Oh, you know, I will_  
**_I will..._**

As he held the final notes of the song I felt something warm and wet hit the side of my cheek and slip sideways over my nose. I looked up through tears of my own. "Finn you're crying."

"That was just ... **wow**...amazing!" I snuffled in a deep breath. "Oh, how I love you. You always could pick songs that say it all. That does it. There will be no more talk of 'setting me free' Finn Hudson! You  **will marry** me someday!"

And at that he whispered in my ear, "I will..."

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original AN:
> 
> Well, hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Warning: Rating really is going up in the next chapter or two. Sorry, but I like a little spice with my Finchel.
> 
> The song above is called "I Will" by the Beatles. It's a lovely song, which I highly recommend.
> 
> My AN:
> 
> I made some minor changes.  Violet loves commas.  We heard some of what Finn will have to go through in AIT.  For those  who have read Violet’s version you kind of know what’s gonna happen later.  But for now Finn, thinks he’s going to AIT, he not lying to Rachel.

**Author's Note:**

> Story: I Finally Know Where My Heart Is  
> Storylink:   
> Category: Glee  
> Genre: Romance/Hurt/Comfort  
> Author:  
> Authorlink: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/3951777/  
> Last updated: 09/22/2012  
> Words: 56864  
> Rating: T  
> Status: In ProgressGlee, Jane Eyre, etc. = not mine- Typos, grammatical errors, etc = all mine (and sorry)


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